


It Never Feels Like Home When You're Not Here

by Loser_Angel_666



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Coda, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:41:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27444304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loser_Angel_666/pseuds/Loser_Angel_666
Summary: SPOILER warning for s15e18!!!!!"He wanted to grab Cas by the trench coat and refuse to let him go, he wanted to scream and hold him until the empty gave up. He would have let himself be taken too if it meant he didn’t have to feel like this. If he had only reacted in time. He was a selfish fucking bastard is what he was. And now the bunker is silent. The bunker is silent and Cas loved him and Dean couldn’t believe it in time to say it back."
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 17
Kudos: 226





	It Never Feels Like Home When You're Not Here

**Author's Note:**

> warning for grief and depression too, but you watch supernatural so... ??? 
> 
> But I'm putting it anyway cuz grief fucking sucks and this show focuses on trauma for five minutes then forgets about it until it's relevant to the plot again
> 
> There is so much to unpack in this scene, but I just wanted to write an angsty happy ending because I know SPN won't do it for me
> 
> ENJOY :)

(poetry by me)

There was a long road, winding through the dark  
Consuming  
Yet starving  
And he drove until he couldn’t feel his limbs  
Until he couldn’t feel his heart  
Until he couldn’t feel at all  
And he drove into and out of and through despair  
Into and out of and through his grief  
For the angel that made a hopeless man believe  
It never lessened  
It only grew  
But he would find a way  
Because it’s all he knows how to do  
~~~

It was out of nowhere. Out of fucking nowhere. And it felt like someone had lodged a brick in Dean’s windpipe. Like he was stuck on his back while the whole bunker collapsed on top of him. Like… 

He felt like the world was collapsing. Or maybe he just wanted it to. Because it was all so still. So still and silent and so sudden and he needed the crushing weight. There had been the banging on the door, the frantic rush for a plan, for an ounce of hope. The hurried apologies and rushed admissions of fear before Billie would burst through the door. And then Cas was saying exactly the opposite of what Dean wanted to hear. And he was telling him everything Dean didn’t want him to say, not yet. Not right here. Not right now. Everything Dean had been hoping for. But god dammit Cas, of course another deal had to tear their family apart. And it was all so loud.

It came out of nowhere. One minute they were about to die, the next Cas was claiming that Dean Winchester is the best man he’s known. Saying he… saying he loved him. And Dean takes a shuddering breath, eyes wide and searching the room, hands digging into his hair.

It came out of nowhere and Dean couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t react. Couldn’t think. He couldn’t say it back. No time, and suddenly the empty was there and Dean wanted to just fucking stop it all, he wanted to fight.

He wanted to grab Cas by the trench coat and refuse to let him go, he wanted to scream and hold him until the empty gave up. He would have let himself be taken too if it meant he didn’t have to feel like this. If he had only reacted in time. He was a selfish fucking bastard is what he was. And now the bunker is silent. The bunker is silent and Cas loved him and Dean couldn’t believe it in time to say it back.

Then his phone starts ringing and of course it’s Sam, because do they have anyone left? Did the wardings work? He can’t find it in him to worry about that while there’s an empty space where Cas was standing a moment ago. The phone rings again but Dean doesn’t pick it up. He can’t. He’d have to tell him that Cas is… that Cas… He can’t.

***

Sam and Jack get back to the bunker, calling Dean and Cas. Sam finds Dean on the floor with his hands on either side of his head. His hair is sticking up from pulling at it, eyes red and puffy. He’s staring straight forward.

“Dean?”

Dean looks up at Sam, startled by his presence, and he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t have to say anything. Sam knows. He asks anyway.

“Where's Cas?”

Dean only shakes his head.

“No,” Sam says, because god dammit they weren’t supposed to lose Cas too. 

“Sammy,” Dean says, looking up at Sam, “He’s gone”

“Where is he?” Jack asks, appearing in the doorway, looking lost and desperate and so hopeful. “Did you kill Billie?” Dean holds back a sob, but it escapes like a strangled, painful gasp and it runs through his body. He takes a ragged deep breath to keep it from crashing down over him, and he’s laughing in an empty depressing sort of way.

“Dean?” Jack sounds scared now, and Dean can’t say it again.

“The empty.”

“His deal…” Jack whispers and Dean nods. 

If it were any other time, Dean would find it in him to hate the kid. First Mary, now Cas. The deal wouldn’t have been made if it weren’t for Jack. He wants to hate the kid. To find someone to blame. But something has snapped and he can’t. He can’t because Cas loved Jack too much for Dean to be able to hate him. And Cas had told Dean he was kind… that he was loving. And what lies they were. But still, he didn’t want to prove that wrong so soon. He just raked his hands through his hair again. He can’t. Cas is gone.

“Billie is gone. But Cas is gone too.”

Dean doesn’t know how long it takes before he gets off the floor. But he’s at the table with a drink that he hasn’t even touched. He hasn’t talked to Sam or Jack about it. He hasn’t talked much at all. To be fair, they haven’t said much either. 

The next morning, he gets up as normal. He makes breakfast and finds them a case. Sam yells at Dean, tells him to take some time. Tells him to grieve for once in his fucking life. Dean takes off for the case on his own. 

A week goes by and Dean refuses to acknowledge Cas at all. Then two, Dean starts to pray. Every night he prays to Cas. Asking him to come home again. Telling him about the day. Begging him to come home. Sam sometimes listens in, accidentally at first, but then it was the only way for him to know whether his brother was going to be okay. He didn’t seem too okay. Not knowing what to say or how to help, he and Jack don’t stop looking for loopholes to the Deal. Dean sometimes doesn’t sleep at all.

Suddenly it’s been a month, then two, and three and they are working a case in Sioux Falls. They call Jody and the girls, because they’re the only living friends they have left, but it turns out they’re gone too. 

They’re on the road again, and stopped at a gas station in the middle of fucking no where. Jack is getting snacks for the road. Dean hasn’t spoken since they found out about Jody.

“Dean.” Sam says, receiving only a glance in response. “You haven’t said anything.”

“What is there to say?”

Sam sighs, and shrugs and rubs his mouth. “I don’t know. Anything.”

“If Jack doesn’t get pie, he’s not allowed to get the snacks next time,” Dean sighs.

“Dean, I’m worried about you, man. Come on.”

“What do you want me to say, Sam? We lost every single person we know. All of our friends disappeared off the face of the Earth. How are we supposed to respond to that? There’s no- there isn’t a body to burn or bury, no one else to come to a funeral. What do we do?”

“I know, it’s one thing after another, we don’t get a break, but Dean, you can’t suppress this shit. You need to talk to someone.”

“I can’t Sam.”

“Why not.”

“I can hardly even say his name. I can’t- I” Dean, shoves the gas nozzle back where it goes and leans back against baby muscles stiff and face set to blank. “He’s gone, Sam, and we don’t know where Chuck is, and we don’t know how long before we’re gone too.”

“Dean…”

“But no matter how much shit I have going on, how many cases I throw myself into, he’s still fucking everywhere. And I keep- I hear him in my head, I hear what he said, over and over and I can’t stop thinking about him. About it.”

“That’s normal Dean.”

“I hate it though. I hate it Sammy. He told me- He said… a bunch of-of last words bullshit. And it was… it was perfect, every word of it,” Dean’s voice cracked. “It was so … Cas. It was Cas.” He says his name like it’s a revelation, a turning point. And maybe this is. Maybe he’s finally healing.

“And he said he loved me,” Dean sniffs, voice still stubbornly hard. “Then he said goodbye, and I didn’t say anything back.”

Sam looks at Dean sympathetically. And Dean shakes his head, wiping his eyes roughly, and sniffling. He looks at Sam, then back ahead of him. He’s had the words stuck in his throat since before Cas died. He’s had them on the tip of his tongue since he heard Cas say them out loud. 

Last week he was kneeling in front of his bed, hands clasped, eyes squeezed shut, and he talked. He prayed. He’s had the feeling stuck in his chest, under his skin, buzzing around them both, since they came back from purgatory. Hell, maybe even before that. He said them out loud, knowing Cas wouldn’t hear the prayer.

“Sammy, I didn’t say anything back.” Dean whispers again, looking up at Sam, this time holding eye contact. “Cas said he loved me. And I didn’t say that I love him back.”

Anger bubbles in his gut, at himself, at Cas, at the whole situation.

“I know. We’ll get him back. He's not gone for good.”

Dean isn’t sure he believes that. 

When Jack gets into the car, he pulls a slice of pie from the bag and gives it to Dean. Dean smiles and thanks Jack, still choked up. And at their next stop, he tries to eat it. But it doesn’t taste like anything.

And so the next six months are spent trying to find ways to defeat chuck. Lock him away. Bring back everyone who vanished. Bring back Cas.

And somehow, by pure luck, spite, and definitely not god's help, Chuck is locked away, Amara being the only key to free him. She is free once again to bask in the beauty of nature. Of humanity. Of creation. 

And even though Jody and Donna and Charlie and Bobby are back. Lives restored, loves restored, okay again. Eileen and Sam try to be discreet, Dean tries to be happy for him. But every time they look at each other, Dean glances over to the empty place where Cas might have been.

Amara cares for Dean. And she feels his pain almost like it’s her own. He did free her after all. But their bond is old. Decayed. She feels nothing for him romantically, and she’s not sure he ever did at all. She won’t make him talk. She doesn’t need to. And Dean is about to sacrifice himself once again, bringing himself to the verge of death in hopes of crossing into the empty. 

It will never work.

With a snap of her fingers, Castiel is restored.

Cas has to drive for hours to reach the bunker. He wants to call Dean. To hear his voice. But he doesn’t want Dean to find out he’s alive over the phone. And he’s afraid of what he’ll say considering his last words. 

Cas drives the two hours, and he stops to fill up the gas and use the bathroom. He’s human now. A trade that had to be made. He’s human now, and exhaustion grips at him, pulls on every fiber of his being. But he can’t sleep. He needs to drive.

And if he sleeps he’s afraid he’ll slip right back into the empty.

He buys himself an energy drink, and then he’s back on the road for another hour. Maybe two. It’s dark when he reaches the bunker and Cas doesn’t want to say he’s afraid. But he is. He’s terrified. Because Sam and Dean and Jack… they’re all in there. And Chuck is dead. They must be celebrating. They must be happy. 

Cas wants to drive away right then. He wants to pull out and find a hotel or a park bench, or an empty parking lot. But instead he just sits in the car. Because he misses them. And he doesn’t want to leave, even if he can’t face them just yet.

Inside the bunker, it doesn’t feel like a celebration. Sam is having a drink with Eileen. Dean had joined them at first, but when Jack dragged himself off to his room, Dean decided to follow him. He sits on the edge of Jack's bed, next to Jack, who is looking at an old photo of all of them. Of Cas.

“I miss him,” Jack whispers, almost afraid Dean will break. He takes a breath.

“I miss him too Jack.”

“Do you think we’ll ever get him back.”

“Don’t let go of hope, kid.” Dean says, even though his hope is long gone.

Dean goes back to his room for the night, and he gets into bed even though he doesn’t think sleep will take him tonight. Maybe it’s their victory, but things feel off. Something’s nagging at him, not badly, just insistent. When he wakes up, he knows something is different. He knows something has changed. But he still doesn’t know what.

Over breakfast, Sam tells them about a case he found near Charlie and they make a plan to leave before lunch so they can find a place on the way to pick up food. But when Sam goes out to load up the car, he comes back with shaking hands, wide eyes and an ex-angel trailing behind him.

“What is it Sam?” Dean asks, then he looks up. He doesn’t even comprehend it for a moment, he just stares. 

Sam is smiling, though clearly still in shock and Jack reacts before Dean, running up to Cas and hugging him tightly. Cas looks good. He looks tired, but he looks like himself. Dean doesn’t know what to do besides stare at him, and Cas doesn’t look like he knows what to do either.

“Hello Dean,” And then Dean is striding forward and engulfing Cas in the tightest hug he’s ever given to anyone. Because he's home goddammit. And nothing has never felt like home without Cas.

“Cas?”

“It’s me, Dean.”

“God, don’t ever fucking do that again. No more fucking deals. Not for any of us.” He says, pulling away from Cas and looking around at the rest of them. “No deals.” He reiterates and everyone seems to nod, though he can’t tell if they are agreeing because they agree or because Dean looks like he’s unraveling right in front of them. 

“I'm glad you’re back,” Dean says to Cas with a clap on the shoulder, but he doesn’t know what to say after that. Cas seems to understand. Though disappointed, he admits this is what he expected. Dean wants to kiss him, wants to tell him that he was wrong, that he feels the same. They leave for the case the day after, so they can have a family dinner with Cas, and when Cas shows up with them on Charlie's doorstep, she hugs him too.

While Sam and Jack and Cas are working out the details of the case, Charlie whispers to Dean that they should have a party. The end of the world was stopped. People back from the dead. They have Cas again. And Dean thinks it’s a great idea. Of course he does, Cas is back.

A week or so later, (a painful week of trying not to kiss Cas right then and there, of letting him adjust to human life again) the bunker is full of hunters. Old friends. Family. Jody and the girls and Donna, Bobby and his hunter friends. Charlie and her girlfriend. Garth and his family. It's a full house. And Dean is smiling again for the first time in almost a full year. Even if he still doesn’t know what to say to Cas. 

Sam idles up next to him, and offers Dean a beer. He takes it gratefully and watches the party with a smile. He can tell Sam has something he wants to say.

“What is it Sammy? Spit it out.”

“Have you said anything to Cas yet?”

“About?” He knows what Sam is talking about though.

“Dean… what is there to lose? You know how he feels. Tell him. Please. I want to see you both happy. You deserve this.” Sam says and Dean, although it fucking terrifies him, nods. He sets down his beer and heads off to the kitchen, where he last saw Cas. Sam gives him a smile and whispers a good luck and Dean’s heart is pounding out of his chest. He doesn’t know why he listens to Sam.

Cas is sitting at the table in the kitchen with a drink in front of him. He looks a bit forlorn, though he’s smiling and when Dean sits down, he looks at him curiously, before looking back down to his drink. He isn’t ashamed. He isn’t hiding anything. But he doesn’t want to make Dean uncomfortable. 

“Hey Cas,”

“Hello Dean.” He says, eyes crinkling. Dean lets himself look at Cas. Remind himself that he’s alive. He’s here. They both are.

“Man, you don’t know how much I’ve missed you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“...I prayed to you. Every single night. And I know you couldn’t hear it, but man, Cas… I missed you.”

“I missed you as well.” Cas says softly. It’s so sincere that Dean's chest aches with each word.

Dean reaches out and puts his hand down flat on the counter top, too afraid to move it any further, but needing to do something with his hands. He’s shaking. He doubts Cas doesn’t see it too.

“Cas… what you said.” Dean starts. Cas looks at him openly, a sad smile in place. 

“It’s okay Dean.”

“Did you mean it?” Dean asks, and he knows. Somewhere inside of him he knows it was all true. How could it not be, with everything Cas has done for them. For him.

“Of course I did. I meant every word.” Dean sniffs and picks up his hand to wipe his face.

“Cas… I-” 

Cas shakes his head, seemingly to tell Dean it’s okay. He doesn’t need to reciprocate.

“You have to know that I-” Dean stops, again, unable to get the words out. “If there is any reason I am a good man, it’s because of you. I didn’t believe… in anything. And suddenly you were there, a full blown angel with the hair and the coat and the eyes… and you were a dick at first, sure, but you were you. And then you became part of the family… you are family, Cas.”

But it’s not just that. Man, it’s -it’s everything. You’re everything. And I’m not good at words, you know that. But I care about you, man. And I care about myself because of you. I believed in shit because of you.”

“Dean…” Cas says, unsure, surprised, hopeful.

“Cas, you have to know that you aren’t… you aren’t alone in this,”

“What are you saying?” Cas asks skeptically, his angel powers could have picked up an energy. A feeling, but he’s human now and it seems everything radiating off of Dean is full of emotion. Full of grief and fear and care, and Cas doesn’t know how to decipher it. He doesn’t want to be wrong. 

“I love you,” Dean chokes out and Cas is staring at him with those wide blue eyes. “You said… the one thing you want you couldn’t have… I don’t know if you were talking about me… but if you were, you’ve already got me. Probably long before I even realized. And I’m sorry it took so long”

It’s a miracle Dean was able to say all of that right to Cas’ face. His voice is controlled, he has to force the words to come out calmly. He isn’t one to consider things carefully before speaking. But he had said similar things in prayers, knowing Cas was too far gone to hear. But this time he was right here. Dean could reach out and touch him. Hold his hand. Kiss him. 

“I was talking about you.” Cas clarifies softly, he’s grinning at Dean, and Dean is grinning back. Cas reaches out and takes Dean’s hand.

“Good.”

“What now then?” Cas asks.

Dean clumsily stands up, still shaking with the nerves from his confession, and pulling Cas with him into a hug. When Dean pulls away just a fraction, he looks at Cas, who’s smiling back at him like Dean is the center of the universe. Dean doesn’t want to thnk about how he’s looking at Cas the same exact way. Dean leans in and Kisses him, finally, and it’s like finally letting go of all the fear, all the repression, all the hate, it’s like coming home after eleven long years of longing. Dean kisses Cas with every feeling he couldn’t get out in words and Cas returns it with just as much passion.

***

They rejoin the party hand in hand a little while later. Dean is worried what people will say, but he knows they’ll be fine. He thinks they probably all knew already anyway.

Sure enough, Charlie gives Dean a big excited thumbs up when she sees their joined hands and Jody gives them both a hug. Bobby pretends it’s always been like this, with a smile and the thought of ‘finally’ in his head. Cas goes off to talk to Claire, and Sam comes up to Dean.

“I’m proud of you. And happy for you both.”

“Thanks.” Dean mutters, still smiling. 

When Cas comes back, there’s a slow song on, and Sam and Eileen are already on the dance floor. Claire and Kaia. Charlie and her girlfriend. Garth and his wife. Cas whispers to Dean that they don’t have to dance if he doesn’t want to, but Dean shakes his head and pulls Cas out into the middle of the bunker’s main living area with everyone else. 

They sway together, and it’s the most like home the bunker has ever felt.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still in shock. I'm still confused. I'm losing my mind. It doesn't feel real. And if this is the end of Cas, or if Dean actually doesn't reciprocate, I will pass out, BI DEAN is the only Dean
> 
> Anyway, feel free to to message me on tumblr (king-of-queer-ships)
> 
> Have a lovely day/night :)


End file.
